Outlaw Hilarity ONESHOTS
by Eternal Grey
Summary: a series of oneshot Sakura coupling full of hilarious bank robbers, kidnappers, and any other crime doers I can think of! Each chapter has a differ couple maybe from the one before! Have fun outlaws!
1. Stupid Death Row

"I want to rob a bank." I said blankly making Temari and Kankuro look over at me lazily. Temari smirked then and sat up from laying on the couch.

"Sounds like fun." Temari smirked making us all get up and grab the bag next to the door before heading out to look for the best bank. "Why did you want to rob a bank all of a sudden?" She asked as she thought of all the possible banks we could rob.

"I don't know I guess I'm just bored." I replied looking out the window ready to shove a gun in some guys face while holding a hot young girl hostage. Kankuro smirked at me then.

"We have to find us some chikas to hang out with! Some hot young babes that want to fall in love with me and you bro. We have to find them after this job of course. Then we can treat them to some fancy expensive restraints!" Kankuro grinned making me turn to him and roll my eyes even though I was already planning on doing just that.

Once we found our bank I left Temari and Kankuro to do their part of the plan while I looked around and chose my hostage. You can rob a bank easily with only one hostage and they are so much easier to deal with. Especially if you make the girl love you. I saw my girl already in cuffs. She was wearing gothic attire so I took no mind of the cuffs or the suit wearing escort who had dark shades and a gun.

Smirking I grabbed his gun with one hand and grabbed the girl with my other hand. They both looked at me with shocked expressions as I turned to everyone else. "Unlock everything here and then leave the building unless you want this girl to die." I informed everyone making all the customers rush out of the building while the shocked man, whom I stole the gun from, stared at me oddly along with the workers.

Temari and Kankuro's eyes widened then glared at me. I couldn't understand what I'd done wrong. The girl looked up at me then burst out laughing. "Dude you chose the wrong hostage! I'm Sakura Haruno and I'm on death row to be killed tomorrow!" The girl laughed her pink hair bouncing with her amused face. I watched her for a moment longer then collapsed to the ground as the police ran in to arrest us.

Immediately she grabbed my gun and pulled me up before leading us back farther into the bank heading to an underground exit that led to the sewers. When we safely away from the cops with Temari and Kankuro the girl breathed out a sigh and slipped out of her hand cuffs. "Thanks dudes." She grinned running her hands through her hair before slipping Temari's lip gloss on.

"We didn't get any money…" Was all I could stutter out as she turned to look at me. Instantly her lips were against mine making me respond and kiss her back. Then she slipped quite a few bills into my hand.

"I grabbed around eight thousand bucks and hid them in my clothes long before you guys came. Luckily I'm good with distractions." She grinned then winked at me.

"Why were you at the bank if you're on death row?" Kankuro asked the million dollar question as we all stared at her curiously.

"Oh that? On death row I can do practically anything and have anything since I'm going to die. Apparently what I wanted was getting too expensive so they were going to get the millions from my bank account to pay for everything. Which reminds me…" She smirked then walked over to the ATM just a couple feet away.

"Looks like you two are going to be Bonnie and Clyde." Temari smirked making me glare, as Sakura wrapped her arms around my shoulders her cheek pressed against the side of my face.

"Burglar boy guess what? We now have a trillion dollars at our disposal." She whispered in my ear making every cruel thought I'd ever had about this woman vanish.

"How much did you say?" I whispered tracing her cheek with one sly finger.


	2. Shooting Fun

"I'm so bored…" Naruto grumbled making Kiba pause and stare at him then he just shook his head and went back to texting on his phone.

"I want to shoot someone." I muttered making Naruto and Kiba gape at me as I flipped through the channels on television. "Come on guys I have an idea to help both of our ideas come to reality! We need to go to the arcade!"

I dragged them with me knowing full well they had no clue of what I was truly planning. When we got there I saw Neji waiting in line outside making me smirk and walk up to him. Kiba paused for a moment then shook his head and smiled reassuringly before fallowing again. I took out a gun then and aimed it at his head.

"Sakura what are you doing?!" He screamed making me laugh evilly before shaking my head.

"I have no idea!" I laughed back making everyone stare at me in shock and horror. Kiba looked like he had just been punched in the face while Naruto was hyperventilating.

"Sakura put the gun down." Sasuke said calmly making me glance over at him. I glared then and shot at the sky to get everyone's attention.

"Everyone on the ground now or I shoot the next person who moves." I shouted making everyone drop to the ground except for Sasuke.

"You're such an idiot. Remember when I told you that you can't shoot people just because you're bored? Dude your breaking several laws here." He said making me pout and glare at him pathetically. I can't believe he's ruining this for me.

Instantly the police showed up and took the gun away from me. "I'm sorry little miss but you'll probably have to go to court for this, even if you didn't shoot anyone." A cop named Kabuto informed me.

"Crap now I have an outlaw for a girlfriend." Sasuke sighed shaking his head making me glare and tried to beat him up. The cops held me back though as they shoved me into their car.


	3. Scary Kidnappy

"Shut up." I grumbled staring at the pinkette before me. I thought it would be hot to kidnap a chick and bring her over to hang out with the gang but all she wants to do is talk about weapons and Ducati's. She looked up at me then smirked and trailed a finger down my chest. My shirt felt as though it would disappear any second.

"But weren't you the one who invited me?" She whispered leaning in closer. I found myself leaning in as well. Then she punched me in the gut and ran to the front door. The only reason why she didn't escape was because she ran into Deidara who was carrying our pizza.

"What the crap, yea." Deidara moaned getting up trying to recover the pizza as Sakura just stared at the ceiling in a daze.

"You sure do know how to pick them." Itachi teased turning my face red. I glared at them all and forced Sakura to her feet roughly. I was ready to kill her.

"Please don't do me any harm! To be honest I just want to fulfill your every desire in any way you wish! I just hope I haven't been acting too oddly. You see this is my first time." She whispered with pouty lips.

"Don't listen to her, idiot." Itachi smirked walking up to us and her. "You're quite the little actress aren't you? Brilliant too." He whispered leaning in closer. Instantly I pulled her away from him.

"Don't go near that man. He's yucky and going blind. Soon he will think you're his younger brother come back from the grave." I informed her with a serious voice.

"My brother isn't dead!"

"See he's delusional already." I said pointing back at the now fuming Uchiha. Deidara and the others burst out laughing at this making me smile at the curious looking Sakura. It could be fun kidnapping her. Suddenly Tobi waltzed in from outside and smiled at Sakura and me.

"You know Sasori, the girl you have, she's on death row. So it's not like you're doing anything too terrible by kidnapping her." He smiled making everyone turn to stare at the suddenly shy Sakura.

"What on Earth did you do to wind up on death row, yea?" Deidara asked just as Hidan entered the mansion. As Sakura explained in terribly descriptive words what she'd done, everyone had thrown up at least seven times and no one wanted to sleep 100,000 miles near her.

An hour later a police officer showed up to take the annoyed Sakura away. "You sure know how to pick them." Itachi muttered not in a teasing voice like before but now he sounded just plain exhausted. Everyone nodded as we all huddled in a corner hoping she wouldn't show up late at night for revenge.


	4. Turkey Slayings

"I'm going to shoot a turkey for Thanksgiving dinner." Kiba informed me making me nod hardly paying attention to him.

"Good luck with that." I said as he grabbed my hand and dragged me away from the tv. "Dude! The Thanksgiving Parade is playing!" I cried but he ignored me. I really can't get mad at him since I was just practically ignoring him but I guess it's too late to apologize.

"I need you to come with me, Sakura, to watch me be a man!" He grinned taking Akamaru with him. I groaned and fallowed him out to some ranch that lets you kill and take out the guts of the turkey you kill. Kiba took out his gun and fired, hardly paying attention to where he shot… so he would up shooting Naruto who was about thirty feet away going after a Turkey.

"YOU IDIOT!!!!" I shouted as Kiba collapsed to his knees and stared at Naruto's dead form like it couldn't be true.

"How did I..?" He whispered looking completely shocked and dejected. I groaned and walked up to the owner's place to talk to him. His solution was the same as mine. We need to get rid of the body and burned the ground where he fell.

I called Ino and asked her to get the ingredients needed to deteriorate a body. She already had them all. I smirked then and walked up to my boyfriend. "Kiba honey don't worry we're going to take care of it." I told him with a smile making him look up at me as though he didn't even know who I was anymore.

"What are you going to do?!" He choked out trying not to lash out at me. I closed my eyes and shook my head. Once I opened them I gave him a brilliant smile and told him the truth.

"I'm going to burn the ground where he died and where his blood is then I'm going to deteriorate his body so that there won't be one to find no matter what." I told him making the boy stare at me as though I had gone nuts.

"You are such a freak!" He growled making me laugh at him.

"And you aren't for wanting to hunt your own Turkey on Thanksgiving and instead shot your chicken of a best friend?" I asked making him sweat drop and glare at me as tears trailed down his face.

"I killed him!" He shouted making me nod.

"It's okay honey… you can always find new friends." I informed him as the boy cried in my shirt and shouted cusswords at me.

This is just another Thanksgiving I guess. I wonder when I'll finally have one where I can actually eat the dinner part.


	5. Getting Caught Sacrificing

I took a deep breath then turned to my boyfriend who was sacrificing my best friend Naruto to his god. I rolled my eyes as Naruto screamed. I wanted to laugh but instead I looked out for cops. "Honey, am I doing this right? You haven't let me do this for years…" He grumbled. "This no… cussing thing is getting on my… nerves."

"So you don't mind calling me honey?" I asked then turned to look at his work. "No you're doing it right. Keep going. No one's cared about Naruto being missing yet." This was surprisingly easy. I wrapped my arms around Hidan with my chest against his back and my hands at his collar bone.

I traced his collar bone nice and slowly knowing how much it tickles him, feeling good like rubbing that perfect spot in your ear with the ear cleaner. Poor boy was born cute and sadistic. "Stop it…" He muttered with a slight purr.

"Please don't have sex in front of me." Naruto begged. We both looked at him for a moment and smirked. I kissed Hidan's neck then checked the window. Immediately the screams began making a small satanic smile crawl over my lips.

"I love you." I informed him with a smirk as he turned to look at me with a trail of blood dripping down his cheek. Hidan grinned and shot me the middle finger making me laugh.

"Love you too babe." He smirked and went back to murdering Naruto. Suddenly police sirens sounded forcing us to get up and rush to the back. The sirens past our house safely though allowing Hidan to go back to torturing my ex friend. Naruto was dead by now of course.

"You still have the touch. I wonder how much longer it will be before we're caught." I murmured as he walked up to me and pressed his body against mine.

"Babe if anyone… catches us I'll just sacrifice them and then we can continue on…" He whispered and led me to his room. My eyes widened as he took off his shirt and pants bringing me into the bedroom. We don't get to do this often because of my work and his worship but I guess now is as good a time as any.

Thirty minutes later….

"This is the police, open up!" Someone shouted then broke down the bedroom door. I blushed but Hidan just glared at them.

"Get out we're not done yet."


End file.
